Betsy Koester: A
steady hand for the wedding jitters
BY LISA TREI
Betsy Koester stands with
her back to the altar in Memorial Church and tells an
expectant groom to smile at his wife-to-be practicing a
trip down the aisle.
"David, look at your
bride," Stanford's wedding coordinator commands
cheerfully, as the young woman is escorted down the long
aisle to the altar by her father. The nervous couple meet
in front of Koester, who reminds them of the vows they
will repeat on their wedding day. "No elbow
prompting," she says gently. "This is free
will."
The couple laughs and
Koester, with the steadied assurance of someone who has
run 1,500 weddings at MemChu, tells the bride and groom
that everything will turn out just fine on the big day.
An action-packed hour later, the rehearsal ends for David
Quinlivan and Van Ton, a couple who met at the Graduate
School of Business, Class of '95. Soon, a new wedding
party enters the cavernous church and begins to prepare
for another picture-perfect ceremony. An hour later,
another couple runs through similar motions.
It's a typical Friday for
Koester, a '58 alumna. She approaches each rehearsal with
the confidence of someone who has seen it all but remains
unjaded by this ageless ceremony.
"We really want the
day to be special for those getting married,"
Koester says before the rehearsals, sitting in her tiny
garret office at the top of a winding staircase in the
church. "Our position has been to try to operate
with grace and to try to honor the couple at a very
important time in their lives."
Running the show in MemChu
since 1984 (with a three-year hiatus after the 1989
earthquake that closed the church), Koester has developed
a personal style exuding confidence that helps guarantee
the success of every ceremony.
"By acting as if
everything is going to be OK, Betsy increases the odds
that it will," says Dean of the Chapel Robert Gregg.
"She is firm and clear in her instructions, but
never an oppressor. She just brings serious positive
vibes to these occasions."
Gregg should know. He has
officiated at dozens of Koester-orchestrated ceremonies
and, four years ago, he was a customer when his own
daughter got married. So was MemChu's administrator,
Imelda White, when her daughter got married last August.
"She made my life so easy," White says.
"She just handled it with such grace and warmth and
friendliness."
Father Patrick LaBelle, a
Catholic priest on campus, says that coordinators intent
on style often come into conflict with those ministering
the religious part of the ceremony. "I've been
around a lot of wedding coordinators and she stands above
them all," says LaBelle, a priest for 33 years,
including three years at Stanford. "Betsy never
makes us feel as if we, or the wedding couple, are
intruding in her plans. Everything is scripted, but not
in a way that pushes [us] around. She doesn't lose her
cool."
A Stanford wedding is
pretty traditional as ceremonies go. Couples who want to
play contemporary music like the "Wedding Song"
sung by Peter, Paul and Mary or use their pet dog as a
ring bearer are politely told no. But Koester says that
people are attracted by the inclusive, interfaith
philosophy of the church. "This place serves as
common ground for so many cultures, ethnicities and
religions," she says.
LaBelle says that Koester
knows how to handle the niceties of different religious
ceremonies, from a Sufi marriage to a Catholic High Mass
or an interfaith union. "She's up for every
wedding," LaBelle says, "and she knows the
names and little tidbits about all the members of the
wedding party."
Associate Dean Maurice
Charles, an Episcopalian minister, says Koester is adept
at remembering the small stuff. "I'm very
detail-oriented and she's very good about keeping a
million details in order," Charles says. "In my
two years here, I can't remember a wedding that's gone
poorly."
Part of that versatility
comes from Koester's professional training. She earned a
master's in theology in 1992 from Union Seminary in New
York City. Her bachelor's degree in speech and drama
helps when arranging the choreography, and a trained
singing voice gets put to good use in rehearsals.
"Da, da, da, da,
remember to breathe and smile, don't be in a hurry,"
Koester sings to Henry Purcell's "Trumpet Tune"
as the bridesmaids from the Ton-Quinlivan party form a
line to practice the procession. The group collapses into
giggles but continues moving at a more measured pace.
"Very nicely done," Koester says.
Although June is the
traditional month for weddings, Stanford's busiest season
is August, a time favored by graduates returning on
vacation. "During high season, we have five on a
Saturday and one on Sunday afternoon," says Koester,
for an annual total of 150 weddings. Although a couple
can invite their own clergymember, a Stanford chaplain
also must officiate, and the couple's vows must be
repeated in the state language of English.
Only faculty and staff
members, current students and graduates and their
children are eligible to be married in MemChu. Koester
says that most are attracted to the church for its
aesthetics and the grand organ music. "It's a
beautiful place," she says. "But in fairness,
many of them have very fine sustaining memories of their
time at Stanford."
The wedding program costs
$1,000, although current students are charged $700. This
includes the church reservation and the services of
Koester, the sound technician, the sexton and a
premarital counselor. On top of that, $200 goes to the
clergy and $175 to the organist. The university does not
arrange flowers, photographers and reception facilities.
After meeting with
Koester, couples take a personality profile test that
outlines how they view themselves and their intended
spouse. They also meet with a premarital counselor three
times. These sessions help define the importance of the
occasion, Koester says. "We wanted to avoid becoming
a drop-in center, an aside event," she says.
"There's an effort to make people pull back from
hurry-up time, from their busy lives. This is a very open
time in people's lives. It's a good time to investigate
those thorny questions [about marriage]."
On the day, Koester sits
down with university organist Robert Bates and the
sextons and tells them what to expect. Before each
ceremony, she darts from the bridal party to the
groomsmen who prepare themselves in separate rooms on
opposite sides of the church. Tourists are whisked away
and any marriage parties from outside the university that
have wandered onto campus a prime spot for wedding
photography are shooed out of sight.
At five minutes past the
hour, Koester leads the bride and her bridesmaids from
their side room to the front of the church. The heavy
main doors are flung open for the bride's grand entrance.
"You're silhouetted in the light," she tells
Ton and her party. "It's a wondrous sight." She
adds, wisely, "I hope your dresses are lined or you
have slips."
Gregg says such attention
to detail is Koester's trademark. So is her concern that
every wedding is a memorable one.
"For her, it's more
than a job," he says. "It's a vocation for
serving people and caring about them." SR
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